J Rosa is finally ready to be a light

In the years prior to the pandemic, J Rosa had become distanced from music, her formerly burning creative passions nearly extinguished by a self-reflective streak that led her to question why she even pursued the art.

“It was always, ‘What are people gonna think when I put my music out there?’” said the rapper, singer and multi-instrumentalist in an early October interview. “‘How are people going to react to my music? Or is no one going to react? Does anyone care if I do it? What even is the point?’”

A series of events led to a further distancing, including the March 2020 arrival of Covid, which landed stateside at a point in time when Rosa had finally begun to set aside her self-doubts and returned to writing and recording. Then, toward the tail end of the early pandemic, when vaccines were in place and in-person events started to again become commonplace, the musician began to experience a series of debilitating physical pains, first in her hands, and then soon after in her arms and shoulders, which made the act of creating all but impossible.

“My fingers got so swollen and painful that I couldn’t use my hands anymore, and then it moved to my shoulders. It was like that song, ‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes,’ and that was the best description I could give anyone. I was like, ‘Y’all know the song? That’s the shit I’m going through,’” said Rosa, who was eventually diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder that progressed to such a point that it temporarily left her bedridden, with walking having become an unbearably painful act. “And there were moments through that where I thought I was never going to be able to create again.”

This creative grief was amplified by deep personal loss, as Rosa continued to struggle with the heavy emotions brought about by the death of her father, who passed away a couple of years prior to her diagnosis. “With grief, they say that time heals everything, but it’s not true. Honestly, time just pushes more and more into you how they’re gone,” Rosa said. “So, two years in, I was really feeling the weight of my dad’s death, along with the death of everything I was and loved and had a deep passion for, because of my disease.”

Gradually, though, doctors helped Rosa dial in the right combination of medications. This led to her physical capabilities returning inverse to the way they had left her, with the pain easing in her shoulders and arms, and then the feeling and movement coming back to her fingers. As these pains subsided, the musician eagerly picked up the guitar, initially adapting her style of play owing to the early stiffness that remained in her fingers. Despite these lingering aches, she continued to strum the instrument, fueled by an awareness that the music that for so long had served as a lifeline had nearly been taken from her for good.

“I found my way back stronger, more fearless and more honest than I ever was,” Rosa said. “It’s almost like the disease helped me grow in ways that I don’t think I ever could have had it not happened, which is weird to say looking back. It helped me realize that music isn’t just something I do, but it’s a part of who I am, and my healing, my survival, my resistance. … It’s definitely been a catalyst to push me past the things I’m afraid of, whether it’s social anxiety or fears about letting people know who I really am. At the end of the day, I’m much more open and much more ready to let people in. I feel like before I was living in the shadows, where now I’m ready to be a light.”

These ideas reverberate through Rosa’s new single, “Temperance,” out digitally today (Monday, Oct. 14), a lyrically dense track that the rapper manages to deliver with a ballerina’s dexterity, dropping weighty lines in a nimble, effortlessly rhythmic cadence. The track is deeply biographical, with Rosa unpacking everything from how to reconcile her queer identity with her religious upbringing to her ongoing struggles with self-acceptance. “I’ve been running away/From the love that I deserve,” she recites on the chorus.

“The song, it has so many different narratives and so many different ideas in there, just with everything I’ve gone through and pushed past, like being gay, and issues with religion, and being in love and not feeling like you’re loved back – and not even just romantic love, but platonic love,” Rosa said. “It’s really a song about resilience and knowing that even when things feel impossible that you have the strength to keep going.”

Navigating her illness, Rosa said naturally developed an increased awareness of the temporary nature of things, be it her physical recovery – autoimmune medications can sometimes lose efficacy over time – or life in general. But rather than allowing these fears to emotionally cripple her, the musician has embraced them as further motivation. She continues to pick up her guitar even in those moments when her fingers hurt, and she has pushed herself into creative realms she previously might have been hesitant to explore, including DJing (Rosa will close the Mystic Ball at Valley Dale Ballroom on Friday, Oct. 25) and visual art. Most recently, Rosa created a video installation on display in the Gente Indigena exhibit at 83 Gallery, for which she filmed herself making scrambled eggs.

“My dad taught me how to make eggs as a young girl, so every time I make scrambled eggs, what do I think about? My father,” said Rosa, who said her father’s technique involved incorporating plenty of butter and maintaining a gentle swirl on the eggs. “It’s really about making people think of those small, everyday moments that connect us with our loved ones, something as simple as making scrambled eggs.”